With leading economists forecasting an acceleration of the US economy heading into the 2014 midterms, Republicans are publicly admitting that their four-and-a-half-year effort to fuck America’s middle class in every orifice has failed.
“Obama is just too good for us,” said House Majority Leader Eric Cantor, an attendee at the secret GOP dinner on Inauguration Night in 2009 at which 15 leading Republicans plotted to make sure America’s middle-class would be well-and-truly screwed by the Bush crash for generations to come. “You have to remember, America was in crisis,” added Cantor. “We really wanted to kick the country when it was down, and blame Obama.”
Paul Ryan, one of the patriots who attended that dinner, admitted: “Things are going so well right now that a complete government shutdown is the only option. It’s getting harder than ever to convince people we must kill Medicare and Social Security. In all these years, Obama hasn’t allowed me to throw a single grandma off a cliff, for Chrissakes.”
Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, facing a tough Democratic challenger in 2014, was despondent: “The Federal Reserve says the economy is accelerating. In 2014, it will grow as fast as 3-3.8%. We cannot allow that to happen. It would be a travesty if all the filibustering I’ve been doing was allowed to go to waste.”
Senator John McCain declined to speak on economic issues, but expressed regret that Syria had agreed to give up its WMDs without a shot being fired. “I was hoping for a least one more pointless, ill-planned overseas war,” he said. “I didn’t even care where, as long as a lot of expensive missiles could be dropped. Because of Obama, I haven’t even been able to use the word ‘quagmire’ since 2008.”
House Speaker John Boehner reeled off a spate of impressive economic statistics: “Obama has delivered 42 straight months of private sector job growth, delivering 7 and a half million jobs. Manufacturing has added 500,00 jobs under Obama. We tried to kill the US auto industry, but Obama saved it and it’s doing way better than anyone predicted. Stocks are up 100%. People’s 401(k)s are higher than before the crash. The housing market is rebounding. Consumer confidence is soaring. If we don’t give the economy a huge kick in the balls right now, even Fox News might have to start giving Obama a little credit.”
Boehner then burst into tears, although experts said that wasn’t unusual.
FULL STORY: Economists say US economy will zoom in 2014 (unless Republicans fuck everything up): http://money.cnn.com/2013/06/24/news/economy/economy-recovery-2014/index.html
UPDATE: Republicans “are happiest we’ve been in a while,” says Michele Bachmann: http://talkingpointsmemo.com/livewire/bachmann-republicans-about-the-happiest-they-ve-been-in-a-while-during-shutdown
UPDATE 2: 73% agree: GOP plan to destroy the economy is working: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/10/08/americans-shutdown-poll_n_4064716.html?utm_hp_ref=politics