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Paul Ryan: “Crisis can be ended by full government takeover of female reproductive organs”

The Daily Edge


Paul Ryan, United States Representative for Wisconsin’s First District, today unveiled a new GOP plan to “end the government shutdown, extend the debt limit and avert a global economic crisis such as the world has never seen.”


“Some of my more radical colleagues are insisting that we defund and repeal Obamacare,” said Ryan. “Not me. As the intellectual leader of the Republican Party, I recognize that we have fought two elections over healthcare reform, that the Affordable Care Act has been ruled Constitutional by the Supreme Court, and that Ted Cruz has been hogging the limelight lately. That’s why my plan not only reflects the new reality of a Big Government takeover of healthcare, it extends the reach of Big Government to completely regulate the female reproductive system.¬†Under my plan, anything that scientists call ‘ladyparts’ will be deemed government property at the age of nine, all sex education and birth control will be banned and all pregnancies will be deemed to be acts of God, even those that occur as the result of incest or by either kind of rape, pretend or legitimate.”

Ryan also called for an immediate extension of the Bush tax cuts for the rich “for eternity,” combined with additional cuts to Food Stamps and the end of Medicare. “It’s time to make the tough decisions,” he added. “We can’t police women’s bodies as vigilantly as we must while also offering healthcare to unproductive grandmas too.”

When asked how his new plan aligned with the philosophy of his spiritual leader, the pro-choice atheist Ayn Rand, Ryan had a ready answer: “As a Republican, as a Christian and as an Ayn Rand cultist, it is my duty to take the parts of any text that I like and ram them down your throat while ignoring anything Jesus said about helping the poor or anything Ayn Rand said about keeping the government the fuck away from her vagina.”

Ryan insisted that if Obama was willing to accept all his demands immediately while also agreeing to finish every sentence with the word liberty, “this crisis can still be averted.”

Full story: http://thinkprogress.org/health/2013/10/13/2775061/paul-ryan-debt-ceiling-leverage-deny-women-access-birth-control/




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