Shortly after voting “no” on the Senate’s bipartisan plan to end the Tea Party shutdown and raise the debt ceiling, Paul Ryan spoke to reporters about his future plans and priorities.
“It’s true I voted against paying off the $6.8 trillion I added to the national debt in my votes for all of Bush’s wars and tax cuts,” said Ryan. “But the truth is, most Americans don’t even realize how much of the debt I personally voted for. Plus, my political consultants all tell me that personal brand is all about being perceived as a dickwad by at least 47 percent of the country at any given time.”
Ryan said he voted to keep government shut, destroy the full faith and credit of the USA, and crash the global economy because he still hasn’t gotten over the fact that ‘urban voters’ kept him and Mitt Romney from the White House in 2012. He urged his fellow Republicans to abandon efforts to repeal and defund Obamacare and focus instead on things they could realistically achieve, such and redefining rape, eliminating America’s dependence on grandmas, and stopping black people from voting in future elections. “These are achievable goals,” he said. “As long as we remember to use our poll-tested words, such as pretending to care about women’s health, entitlement spending and voter fraud. As long as we hide our real objectives, who knows what’s possible?”