Despite today’s admission that he has smoked crack cocaine, new polls show that a majority of Canadians would still rather keep Toronto Mayor Rob Ford in Canada than be forced to take back ex-Canadian Ted Cruz.
“Of course, we’re embarrassed by revelations that our Mayor has smoked crack cocaine,” said Penny Farthing, a resident of the city’s Scarborough neighborhood, “but Holy Lord Jesus, we’d rather keep this tragically flawed human being than take back that mad-eyed Tea Party lunatic Ted Cruz.”
Rob Ford, meanwhile, insisted that he would not resign. “All I did was smoke crack cocaine,” he said. “And I can’t even be blamed for that. Michele Bachmann assured me it was Obamacare. It’s not like I tweeted a picture of my Anthony Weiner.” He chuckled, then, after a slight pause, added: “Weiner. Do you get it?”