In a shock to the vast majority of vagina owners, as well as all citizens possessing both a penis and brain, Republican Senator Rand Paul told CNN’s “State of the Union” this week that he wasn’t sure there ever had been a War on Women, but he was even more certain that the ladies had won.
Senator Paul went on describe the various prizes, trophies and “spoils of war” that the GOP was willing to give to anyone possessing ladyparts:
“The first prize, for gals in Red States, is a medically unnecessary transvaginal ultrasound. It’s a gift that guys like Rick Perry and Scott Walker insist on giving to women before they terminate a pregnancy, whether they like it or not, and even if their gynecologist thinks it’s a bad idea.
“Across the country,” Paul went on, “we’re doing everything we can to deprive women of sex education, birth control, access to emergency contraception and, of course, we’re shutting down abortion clinics left and right. We’re doing this as a favor to women who need their reproductive decisions made for them by a small group of wild-eyed religious extremists who just happen to be all male.
“Women have also won an astonishing breakthrough when it comes to income,” Paul continued. “They now earn a whopping 77c on the dollar for doing the exact same work as a man does. Just think about it. They don’t even have penises–and still they get paid only 23% less than people who do!
“Finally,” said the Senator, “we are introducing ‘personhood’ amendments to protect the life of every fetus. Our goal is to stop women aborting a fetus–even after they’re raped–so that they can carry the baby to term, or, in certain medical circumstances, die trying.