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Sarah Palin has reassured real Americans that she would do "thorough, intense, painstaking" due diligence on all 2014 GOP candidates before bestowing her coveted endorsement on their campaigns. "I'll be askin' 3 simple questions before a earns my coveted Wasilla Hockey Mom Lipstick Seal of Approval," she told supporters. "One, is this candidate goin' to win and make me look good? Two, has he ever worn mom jeans? And three, Benghazi." Palin said her new focus on "thoroughful thoroughness" was an attempt to move beyond the tremendous embarrassment John McCain caused the GOP in making a truly awful selection as Vice Presidential running mate in 2008.
Republicans continued today to accuse President Obama of weakness in the face of Russian President Vladimir Putin's aggressive military action in Ukraine. "Putin is like Hitler," said Senator Lindsey Graham, "If Hitler were a mix of Cary Grant, Harrison Ford and Liam Neeson. America should not be seduced by this tyrant. I have warned Obama not to look directly into those steely blue eyes. Bush did that once. He never came back."
Santorum highlighted several of the ways that Ellen's performance as host destroyed the "traditional" Oscars: "Last year, Seth MacFarlane did that hilarious 'We Saw Your Boobs' number which was totally straight and only offensive to the 78% of Americans who don't get Seth's misogynistic humor. This year, we had none of that. Instead we had an adorable lesbian serving pizza on paper plates, taking selfies that crashed Twitter and being totally adorbs for the entire show. It was disgusting."